I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize