It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
