you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
