So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
