I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
