I heard we made out
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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