U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
