And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
