I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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