You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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