is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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