i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
