It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
