after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
