i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
