I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
