If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
