addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
