A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Found your dick twin last night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
