so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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