all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
