my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
