I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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