Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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