Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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