I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
