You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
