For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
