he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
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