So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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