im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
