My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
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Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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