turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
