another moral hangover. fuck.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
