please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
