Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry zombieborracha hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know

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(972): View more from Texas

Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt

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(408): View more from California

Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry

(805): View more from California

House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges

(408): View more from California

I'm sorry.

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