So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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