I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
