I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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