and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
