I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
