im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
