What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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