I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
