i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
