Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
