i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
