Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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