____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
