My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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