I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
