The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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