that's an acceptable place to lick
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
