Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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