You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
