I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
